| Husband or First love?
It all starts with me making fun of anyone who acted like an idiot around guys.. They never were the best of interest or worst. They were just there like any other human being for me on this planet. However, things kind of changed when I started having feelings for my most wonderful best friend. He is one of the most amazing guys that I have ever known, however, I wish so fondly that this was just a friendship thing, even though from the first day I met him, at the age of 13 I knew we couldn't last as friends.So what do you do when you think you have met the love of your life at the age of around 12? Avoid it?
For years I was friends with him... and at the begging it was friendship really. Even if I never had any boyfriends while friends with him. I would discuss my new crush with him and he had girlfriends while my friend. It was not a bit of awkwardness that would ever come between us during these years. We were kids and still are. I would suggest his next anniversary present for his girlfriend (whom I would love to rip in peaces now) and I would even know about his hook ups as they call it during the many years of his life I have known him. We would talk about t then laugh and I would usually make fun of him.. and this is all it was for 5 years. then he left.
I didn't have any type of communication with him but letter for three months. These were the most dragging and lonely months of my life. The day of his 18th Birthday was the worst.. not giving him his lucky punch was devastating. It was during these three months that I noticed how much I loved him and how much he meant to be and that he made my life happy... full. However, what was I to do try to avoid my feelings for him? For how much longer? Another four years when he came back from he military ? When I am 21? Would I last without him for so long? No ! This was because he made sure I am not an inch far from him when he came to visit and he made sure I tell him my feelings. For this I am not complaining because some of the couple weeks he was back were the most wonderful days of my life in the 17 years I have lived. Talking to him now felt like talking to a man who knew his future and what he wanted and this made me love him so much more. his confidence his pride.
He has been gone again a week and I find myself looking forward to Saturday to hear his voice... yet i don't even know the next time I will see him. Its wonderful loving him and even if many people will think I'm too young to love, I think I love him. Yet, I'm concerned. I don't want to loose him ever, but will it be possible for him and me to care for each other for years to come with our feelings our in the open? or will it just be my first love? the boy that I will always love but never know what it feels like to be married to ? Maybe its not meant for me to married him , but I cant think of myself with anyone but him right now and I don't want to. I don't ever want to be away from him. He is sure he is going to marry me and he has no absolute drought. I guess that is what the Marines have thought him. However, I'm not no Marine and I worry. What is this wonderful most special person going to be in my life ? My loving partner in life or just that boy... my first love ? 
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| DUde this fukin machine wont work im trianna stay positive but it fukin wont work!!!!!!!!!!! ugh I'm so tired of this crap its like work and leave me alone nothing is ganna work when i try to do it huh FUCK MAN !!!!!! I swear i need a place to go and not come back for a while !
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